1. The Organiser
It’s up to this guy to make sure that the weekly game goes ahead. This lad has more contacts than the Yellow Pages and is usually the one to take a full car to the venue.
He brings the bibs but never washes them, collects the subs and tends to be one of the worst players on the team. Sometimes tries to take the role of ‘player manager’ in a desperate attempt to make up for his lack of ability.
2. The Goalhanger
Often claims he’s the greatest finisher on the planet yet skies his attempts more often than not. This player is often unfit and cannot handle the pace of a regular five-a-side game.
This guy believes he is the only guy who is allowed to shoot and averages around a shot every 30 seconds. Will complain about everybody else and responds to any form of criticism by reminding players of how many goals he has scored.
3. The ‘Muscle’
Muscle or fat, this player is the big lad. There’s always one huge bloke on every five-a-side team who uses his sheer size to his advantage.
Whether he is shoving you into the sideboards or producing a moment of magic with some silky footwork, this guy is a key member of any side. Often aggressive and throws his weight around, as well as dishing out some verbal abuse, to intimidate the opposition.
4. The ‘Ex-Pro’
There’s always some lad who had a trial at a Premier League club. This player is usually decent but is nowhere near the standard that he claims he once was.
Nifty on the ball but is sometimes lazy without it. Always claiming he is the best thing since sliced bread. This guy sometimes tries to take on the role of the ‘player coach’ too but is often ignored as he is respected less than the rest of the side.
5. The Veteran
There’s always some bloke who has a career spanning over 30 years. This guy has played for the team since before you were born and is the guy to go to for advice, both on and off the field.
Usually the most respected member of the side, he is reliable and will be there in all forms of weather. Adopts an old style approach to tackling and isn’t scared to be aggressive in tackles. Not a fancy player but neat on the ball and will give his all for the team.
6. The Guy Who Uses The Sides
This lad is probably the most famous type of five-a-side player. As well as everyone owning a bigger player, the majority of teams have one who uses the sides to his advantage. An absolute expert at the art, this team member is impossible to dispossess as he moves up the field.
This one-trick pony is usually the most annoying player on the field and gets shoved into the sides frequently by the fat guy.
7. The Joker
This player will attempt to be a comedian throughout the game and tries to distract the opposition with the latest ‘knock-knock’ joke. Sometimes seen goading the opposition with sarcastic remarks although is shushed when he gets barged into the sides.
‘You couldn’t score in a brothel’ and ‘The goal is over there mate’ are some of his favourite comments as well as the typical laugh of derision when the opposition blast the ball over the fence.
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