What if other football clubs decided to try and change their name?


At the weekend there was glory for Hull City against Sheffield United; a 5-3 victory at Wembley in an FA Cup semi-final.

There was a rare treat of seeing forced jingoism as members of the armed forces paraded the clubs’ crests. Which is utterly great, because who doesn’t associate the military with the FA Cup, and things like Roberto Di Matteo’s early goal against Middlesbrough? Exactly. Nobody.

But despite being given that gift of men and women in uniform, wouldn’t the fans have had even more fun had the match been between the Hull Tigers and the Sheffield Blades? 

The FA cruelly rejected the Hull owner, Assem Allam, when he requested this week to change the name of his side. Whatever the reasons given for rejecting this proposed change - and nobody has time to actually read FA reports, as plenty of fans prove on Twitter every day - let’s assume because it was due to the poor quality of the name. There are other possible name changes being considered by other clubs, perhaps with better chances of going through. Let’s have a look at the best that are sub judice.

 

The Tottenham Tims

 

Tim Sherwood has been behaving peculiarly of late.

First of all he railroaded Daniel Levy into giving him an 18-month rather than a six-month contract. Then, he was calling his players all kinds of insults in a counter-intuitive attempt to improve their confidence. After that, he was saluting Emmanuel Adebayor on the pitch, and telling the fans that they should be better encouraging Danny Rose.

All this has led to rumours that Louis van Gaal has been approached to take over in the summer. Sherwood has demanded to be backed, and not just with the standard vote of confidence from Levy. Oh, no. He has put through an application to the FA to change Spurs’ name to the Tottenham Tims, and to change its famous Audere est Facere motto to, ‘Outgunned, out-tacticked, out-Timmed.’

 

The Arsenal Premier League Champions

Arsene Wenger hasn’t been able to get Arsenal to do anything of note for almost a decade.

They are, of course, going to play Hull City in the FA Cup final, despite their relentless haplessness. It has increasingly appeared that many consider the players at the club are cheating their manager - able to impress when the pressure is off, against Manchester City for example, and then crumble when something is at stake - against Everton last week or Wigan at the weekend.

Santi Cazorla said last week that Arsenal need heavy investment in order to become champions again, but true to the spirit of cost-cutting, Wenger and Arsenal have chosen to ask their name to be changed to ‘Arsenal Premier League Champions’ and will keep their fingers crossed that most people simply aren’t very observant.

 

The Hull Oh All Right I Suppose You Have A Point That Just Because You Happen To Own A Club It Shouldn’t Give You The Right To Change Something As Fundamental As The Name Because It Makes It Clear That One Of The Effects Of The Globalisation Of The Premier League Is That It Means That The Need To Maximise International Income Can Often Come At The Expense Of The Community Around The Club Who After All Are Responsible For The Identity And Existence Of The Club And Who Have Often Kept It Going Through The Times When It Was In Dire Financial Circumstances And Almost Fell Out Of The Football League But Now We Are In The Top Division We Can Forget That And Try To Be As Appealing As Possible To Those With The Billions Of Pounds And Its Not A Simple Answer But We Prefer The Billions Please Please Let Us Change It To Hull Tigers.

An insider said, “we thought a more honest approach might be successful this time.”

 

The Liverpool Every Neutral’s Favourite Second Club

 

With the humility and class that has come to define the club, it became clear that Liverpool Football Club needed to let everybody in the press and the world know that they were indeed the nation’s favourite club when it came to the neutrals.

With Steven Gerrard’s tears, it confirmed what everybody at Liverpool Football Club knew about Liverpool Football Club, that the fans who are the most knowledgeable fans in the world knew that the other fans in the world wanted to show their appreciation for not just the most knowledgeable fans in the world, and the great Liverpool Football Club’s players like Luis Suarez, but that they also appreciated the dignity, decency and sportsmanship on display from Liverpool Football Club every year, every month, every week, every day, every hour, every minute and every second.

In order to properly reflect that, and in what is a lovely touch from the club itself, they elected to not mention John Lennon, or The Beatles, or Cast, in the name change, but to acknowledge, with customary modesty, that they are indeed every neutral’s favourite second club.

 

The Plucky Manchester United

As part of David Moyes’s ongoing campaign to lower expectations at Manchester United, the club are asking to be renamed The Plucky Manchester United to imbue the fans and wider footballing community with the idea that they are fighting against superior opposition at all times, and therefore any draw, or glimpse of talent, is equal to a grand achievement.

Moyes has already started this process by claiming he will ‘try’ ‘really hard’ to ‘make things difficult’ for the ‘opposition’ like Liverpool, who are obviously ‘favourites’. He has also used Tom Cleverley on the pitch, and decided to cut a figure of utter, utter hopelessness in the dugout, and generally underperform.

With around £100 million, or possibly more, to spend this summer, Moyes will further lower expectations by coaxing Michael Owen out of retirement and then spending any remaining money on a training course designed to make him seem less overbearing and overconfident.

Fingers crossed that he will try to succeed at this.