The 5 Most Annoying Things About The Premier League Weekend

Football happened across the weekend, and as such topical content must be extracted and formed into blogs of around 500-1000 words in length, depending on the requirements. This is one such blog, with the theme being that five annoying things from the weekend are included. As such, the following 500-1000 words of content will feature five annoying things. See if you can count them all.


Sam Allardyce

It takes quite a large dose of self-belief to be fuelled permanently by a constant sense of righteousness. Obviously, I am one of the few people who manages it with class, dignity and good looks. Apart from that, Sam Allardyce fails to carry it off with such adroitness. He does, however, constantly keep trying to become the most relentlessly wrong pillock in football. After defeat against Manchester United on Saturday, he surpassed himself in the press conference.

With the game edging to a close, Kevin Nolan bundled a cross in at the back post, and West Ham thought they’d got a dramatic, and some would say deserved, equaliser. Then followed the always amusing we-scored-we-have-scored-we-scored-we-are-great-get-it-up-you-oh-hang-on-look-at-the-linesman-oh-for-flip’s-sake performance.

Allardyce, though, was not amused.

“We had enough chances to get it to 2-2 and we did equalise with a Kevin Nolan goal, but the ‘Superman’ linesman’s x-ray vision is...

“Somebody was suggesting his head’s offside. If he can see that his head’s offside there then he is a super-human being for me.

“I thought it was onside, I don’t think there’s any doubt in my mind.

It takes quite something to believe that getting a difficult decision right is somehow demonstrably wrong, but Allardyce is an exceptional human being.


Super Sunday

West Brom vs Burnley - it’s the best league in the world!


Captain Emirates

It’s all very easy to make fun of Arsenal’s new fans. So let’s do it! In the crowd to watch Arsenal play football in between muscle injuries was a man who had come in a replica shirt. That, plainly, is bad enough, continuing the trend for people in London provocatively dressing in fancy dress, but he went further with one accoutrement. He had augmented his shirt with a captain’s armband. No further questions, your honour.


Wayne Rooney and his fans

The only other pale-skinned men to have inspired such blinkered devotion amongst buffoons are Prince Harry and Robert Pattinson, and Wayne Rooney completes the trio. Like royalists and Twilight fans, he inspires a support so fervent that - see Allardyce above - they are happy to see wrong as right.

Rooney was sent off for kicking Stewart Downing, as Andy Townsend would say, in and around the testes, striking his thigh and stomach as he hacked him to the ground. When United were winning, had 11 men on the pitch, and Downing was close to his own area. It was defended as a professional foul, but to anybody with eyes, it was clearly at least 50% violence by volume. As enjoyable as that is on a football pitch, so rarely does it happen, it was still about as ludicrous decision as you will ever see.

And yet, at the ground he was clapped off, confirming that half the spectators at Old Trafford are now daytripping fanboys incapable of understanding the colours and shapes on the pitch in any kind of context. On Twitter, it was much the same. Maybe, just as a country elects the government it deserves, football fans cheer the players they merit.

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This is by no means a dig at Liverpool fans generally - as we all know, if you do that they try to get you the sack - but merely highlighting one particular man’s folly.

After the match when Phil Jagielka scored an undeniably brilliant half volley at the death to equalise, one especially unhappy Liverpool fan complained that he had no right to be shooting from there, and he sliced it anyway. This was a man complaining that he had not been rewarded by the law of averages. Last season hit them hard, but nobody expected it to rattle some fans quite so staggeringly.


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