So Hull City are to become Hull City Tigers. What a world we live in. But this, I'm horrified to reveal, is only the start. After months of gruelling and not-at-all fictional research, I can exclusively reveal that no fewer than seven other Premier League teams are planning on introducing snazzy new names.
Here are those mooted monikers, as well as non-redacted snippets from the press releases that will accompany them. Welcome to the new Premier League, which looks more like the IPL or something from a mid-90s cartoon depicting some near-future sporting dystopia. The apocalypse is now!
"Contrary to our historic name and former nickname, we at Arsenal Pacifists oppose violence in all its forms. As a gesture of good faith, we are enforcing what has traditionally been an unwritten rule governing the behaviour of the first-team squad: no tackling."
Newcastle Wonga-Wonga Wongans
"Wonga! We Wonga in the interest of Wonga that Wonga is the Wonga-est Wonga in all Wonga-land! Wonga Wonga Wonga! Wonga! Waaaaaaaa Wonga!"
Manchester City Mancunians
"'The City is ours,' we said. They laughed. So we went a step further, becoming the first, nay only, football club to have two references to Manchester in our name. We have also trademarked the name "Manchester City Mancunian Mancs", should that other lot ever get any ideas."
Norwich City Leeds Admirers
"For years, we have been committed to signing the very best talent from West Yorkshire. Robert Snodgrass, Bradley Johnson, Jonny Howson and (to a far, far lesser extent) Luciano Becchio have all made the switch from Leeds to Norfolk in the last few seasons, boosting our local culture with their canny northern ways. So what better way to salute our favourite club/city than to put them in our own name? Up the Leeds Admirers."
Manchester United Central Midfielders
"Just to prove that we know the meaning of irony."
Magical European Knights of Liverpool Football Club
"Inspired by the not-at-all cloying commentary of Peter Drury, we have decided to take decisive action. Everyone knows how special those "magical European nights" at Anfield are, and now everyone will feel the might of the Magical European Knights. We will soon unveil our new Club logo, which may or may not be a stylised portrait of our self-appointed deity, Brendan Rodgers."
"It came to our attention that a number of short-sighted fans had conflated two completely distinct things: (1) a person saying the sentence, "I am a fascist," and (2) that person being a fascist. Because such a ludicrous view has proven so pervasive, we've changed our name to reflect the core belief that no employee of this club is a fascist. Despite what they may say."
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