What the Premier League's managers want for Christmas



Alex Ferguson: After asking Santa to overturn their city rivals' lead at the top of the league this time last year, this Christmas Fergie would be better off asking for something he'd actually use properly. An industrial sized box of chewing gum, for example, or enough Oil of Olay to get another season out of Paul Scholes.

Roberto Mancini: Despite Roberto being a really good boy this year, it remains beyond Santa's power to “sort Mario out”. So perhaps just an actual Man City scarf, to replace the Lazio one he's slyly been wearing these last few winters.

Rafa Benitez: After breaking his electric razor while at Liverpool, then not being able to find an adapter for it in Milan, Christmas 2012 finally will finally see the end of a tale of facial hair which Rafa Benitez will forever refer to as “unfortunate”.

Arsene Wenger: Because, obviously, tying Jack Wilshere and 4 other squad players is just as good as winning a trophy, Arsene has asked for an open-top bus for Carl Jenkinson to throw his signing-on fee at hysterical crowd from. He also wants a new coat, as the current one is just a sleeping bag with the bottom cut out.

David Moyes: David Moyes has worked so hard at Everton over the last few years, it's left him with the face of a man who's just overheard a lewd joke about his sister. So if there's anyone who deserves a nice treat this Christmas, it's him. A small puppy might cheer him up, although not as much as an extravagant Sheik looking at property in the Kirkby area.

Andre Villas-Boas: Strepsels.

Steve Clarke: Little known fact about Steve Clarke: he doesn't actually conform to any cultural holidays or celebrations and instead prefers his Christmas and birthday presents divided into 365 chunks and given to him every day of the year. Gianfranco Zola once gave him an entire box of Milk Tray while at West Ham and that season they were relegated. No coincidence.

Brendan Rodgers: Brendan Rodgers is actually a man of incredibly simple pleasures, and has his heart set on another god-awful pullover to wear on top of a shirt and tie combo (unforgivable). This is only one of the many reasons the DVD box set of Being Liverpool will have him in tears before the turkey's served.

Tony Pulis: “I'm sorry, young Tony, but unfortunately my elves lack the skills to graft a second, 360 degree rotating head onto Kenwyne Jones. In lieu of severe genetic manipulation, please accept this new tracksuit and matching cap, and a selection of offcuts for Ryan Shawcross. Yours, Santa."

Chris Hughton: At the start of the season, Chris Hughton was probably expecting to go crawling into every shopping centre in Norfolk and pulling on countless fake beards while pleading for 3 points. Instead, after going on an unbeaten run that was bettered only by Barcelona, he can just ask for a Kindle Fire or something.

Michael Laudrup: Given that Michael Laudrup picked Michu up for £2million in the summer, Swansea's decision makers should just be gift-wrapping their cheque books and getting pens with “just do whatever you want” printed on the side. So long as he remembers to poke air-holes in the box he ships David Villa over in, he'll be fine.

Sam Alardyce: To Sam Alardyce, Christmas is just another day that Real Madrid and Inter have been too scared to pick up the phone.

Martin Jol: Inevitably, someone will get Martin Jol a crate of Grolsch this Christmas and think that it's hilarious. It wasn't funny in 2001, and it's not funny now, but “consistency” and “a proper replacement for Moussa Dembele” are really difficult to find in Argos.

Alan Pardew: On the 12th day of Christmas, Pardew said to me: I need a £12million budget, 11 fit first-teamers 'cause 10's always injured, 9 cannot finish, 8's still adaptin', 7's bloomin' vacant, 6 cannot tackle – 5 home wins  – 4's disappeared, 3's quite good, 2's still here, and we still use Ameobi.

Martin O'Neil: Of all the names on this list, the Sunderland boss is probably the easiest to shop for. Given that he sees enough in Titus Bramble to continue to employ him as a Premier League defender, he'd probably be thrilled to go downstairs and find a torn bath mat, unwrapped, under a dangling air freshener that's shaped like a tree.

Paul Lambert: After Sunday's trip to Stamford Bridge, Paul Lambert might well have crossed every single thing off his Christmas list and just asked santa for the Norwich job back instead. He won't get it, but buying Christian Benteke's agent a phone that can't receive calls would be just as good.

Nigel Adkins: Nigel Adkins strikes me as the sort of man who'll ask for vouchers every single year. They won't be for a haircut though, which, given that he looks like the nervous one from The Inbetweeners at 45, is a travesty.

Roberto Martinez: Having just slipped into the bottom three and showing no signs of getting out again, Roberto Martinez will be spending this Christmas eve scrambling around trying to rig the club's secret santa so that someone in the canteen ends up having to fork out for Joe Cole.

Harry Redknapp: Harry Redknapp, god bless him, will be getting the same Wii Fit accessories, tight nylon trousers, and discarded Eternal CDs that he gets every Christmas. You can't choose your family, but you can choose what you declare as tax deductible.

Brian McDermott: A miracle.