Transfer News Today: Fabregas poised for Arsenal return?

Forum chatter I

Poor old Mario Gomez. Sure, he's rich beyond his wildest dreams, looks like a love child created by David Hasselhoff and Crispin Glover, and has The Best Hair in the World. But he's not valued at Bayern Munich! First, he was usurped by marathon man Mario Mandzukic, meaning he wasn't even Jupp Heynckes' favourite striker named Mario. Then the Bavarians signed Mario 'Obviously Pep's New False Nine' Goetze. Three Marios! Now Robert Lewandowski also looks Bayern-bound. Sigh. Move away, Mario! Napoli and Fiorentina are interested!

Forum chatter II

Liverpool have made a habit of snapping up nippy young players of late and could be set to add another to their squad. The name doing the rounds today is that of Porto's Christian Atsu, who can play at left-back or on the left wing. (Completely made-up) sources say he can run 100m in 2.1 seconds, which makes him considerably faster than Jose 'Wardrobe on Wheels' Enrique.

Tabloid speculation I

But the news isn't all positive for fans of the Anfield club. The vultures are circling over Luis Suarez. Not the nasty London media ones either; greedy eyed metaphor-vultures who want to take the Uruguayan to mainland Europe. Real Madrid are reportedly at the head of the queue, preparing to offer £20million plus lively forward Jose Callejon. What does Brendan Rodgers' philosophy say about this one, eh?

Tabloid speculation II

Arsenal fans do a lot of annoying things - not least insisting on calling players by their first names all the time ("Jack"/"Santi"/"Theo"). They also have a bizarrely rose-tinted view of the transfer market, often saying sentences like: "Cesc [CESC] said that if he does come back, it'll be to us!" This is laughable, of course, but blow me if Fabregas isn't being linked with a return to the Emirates this week. This could just be a cruel joke. Stay tuned.

Bid tabled

Mark Schwarzer has had a good innings in the Premier League, but it looks as though his days could be numbered. Fulham, increasingly a footballing commume for stray Dutchmen, have made a £3million bid for Roma goalkeeper Maarten Stekelenburg.