The Americans have the world’s top doubles team, plus a couple of decent singles players in John Isner and Donald Young. The Brits have the home advantage (Glasgow’s Emirates Arena), the world No.5… and nothing else worth getting excited about.
So, predicting the winning team is impossible. But here are 10 things that are sure to happen over the weekend.
1. Andy Murray will win both singles
John Isner and his massive serve might give Murray a couple of headaches, but nothing he won't be able to deal with in five sets.
He should swat away Donald Young like an annoying insect.
2. The Murrays vs The Bryans
Jamie Murray and Dominic Inglot up against the Bryan twins would be lambs to the slaughter.
For this reason the British captain will pick his own brotherly doubles. Imagine that. The Bryan brothers versus the Murray brothers. It will even things up a bit. (The Bryans will still win.)
3. Watch the other singles
The tie will hinge on the possible match between James Ward and Donald Young. On paper Ward is totally outclassed, ranked 111 in the world to Young’s 47.
Cue lots of clichés from the British camp about “anything happening in Davis Cup”.
4. The Americans struggle with Glaswegian
The locals will talk as loudly and as slowly as humanly possible, yet the visiting Yanks still won't catch a word.
5. Potty-mouth strikes again
Murray's fiancée, Kim Sears, will, at one point, feel her man has been slighted. She will launch into a tirade of verbal abuse. Glaswegians will laugh at her amateurism before showing her how to swear properly. (ie. like a Clyde dockworker.)
6. A run on saltires
Local shops will run out of Saint Andrew’s crosses. Pumped up by the close-run independence vote last year, no Scot worth his salt will be seen without a saltire.
A couple of English fans will attempt to wave a Union Jack but it will be confiscated “for health and safety reasons”.
7. Brothers in arms
The Scottish papers will be drowning in images of Andy and Jamie Murray, arm in arm, beneath the Saint Andrew’s cross. (Provided, of course, they manage to find one.)
8. Rubbish Brits
Poor Ward will be held up as a shining example of how crap British tennis is (once you’ve got past Murray). And it is. There’s no other singles player in the world top 100.
9. Banana duty
British Davis cup captain Leon Smith will hand out some bananas. He needs something to do. (Andy Murray is the real captain in this team.)
10. Fifth rubber
The tie will go down to the fifth rubber. Fingernails will be bitten to the quick.
Great Britain are 2.00 to win. The USA are 1.77